It’s only the second week of TC5 and already the IFA crew are trying to get out of liveblog duty. After a tense argument over fulfilling our promises to you, the reader, versus the luxorious ease of watching TV and enjoying a beer and some Kay Steiger/Kate Steadman/Matthew Yglesias/Mandy Simon-prepared food, we’ve roped in Sara Mead, Spencer Ackerman and Kriston Capps. We’ll be, as ever, updating at the commercial breaks. Will this feature survive another week? Stay tuned.
Sara: hi!
Kriston: woo from the IFA
Sara: woo!
recap!
10:03 PM do not buy things from colonial williamsburg.
they keep sneding you emails forever
and your bofriend makes fun of ou!
Kriston has left
Kriston has joined
10:04 PM Sara: why do they keep the discontinued people in the intro after they get kicked off?
I hate jeffrey and his winking!
ewww
Kriston: Because by the end of the season, the intro wouldn’t be long enough for the awesome song
Sara: jeffrey with his shirt off.
ezra was the loudest.
scary
team rainbow!
Kriston: Ezra with his shirt off?!!
Sara: ariane’s hair
Kriston: Oh sorry. Misread.
Sara: scary!
10:05 PM I still like her
Kriston: Courtney Cox is extremely irritating
Sara: no one “deserves” to stay
ooow
the ELLs are the biggest competition
can take home the princess
Kriston: I take home the princess.
Sara: so sexist!!!!
quickfire!
Kriston: Okay, so we’re entering the quickfire challenge.
Sara: matt: those GE monogram appliances look good!
10:06 PM donatella arpaieia
?
she hs too many restaurants
Kriston: I googled: It’s Arpaia.
Sara: padma’s outfit.
Spencer: OK, New York dish, eh?
Sara: pants scary.
waist wayyyyy tooo hight
high
melissa: cheesecake: really?
Spencer: HOT DOG QUICKFIRE
Sara: that’s chicago
10:07 PM hot dogs!
oops. padma’s pants are actually a skirt.
I hate the high-waste trend
that
Kriston: How to make a hotdog?
Sara: s
because I’m skirt
Spencer: “I have no idea how to make hot dog” — one of the Euros. No idea whose name is whose yet.
Sara: do I know how mak hotdog
Kriston: Lips and assholes, sir.
Sara: no!??!?
10:08 PM I haven’t make a hot dog since out charcuterie class in 1985.
kate does not like ariane
Spencer: Daniel from Babylon is determined to kill it with NY flavor
Sara: you cannot beat the americain hotdog playing his own game.
!!!!
suishi with hotog in the middle
does anyone else know what ELLs are?
10:09 PM asian style!
sushi hotdogs?
yeah, radiakha is doing another indian inspireddish.
soon it will be hard for me to believe she does anything other than any indian style dishes.
10:10 PM Spencer: Piping bag. Interesting idea. I might as well take this opportunity to tell IFA readers I intend to launch a sausage-making feature titled Banger Management.
Sara: kay says: you don’t want to see how the sausages are mad.
Kriston: Utensils down, hot dogs up.
Sara: Jill’s dish looks disturbing
Spencer: Oh nice Capps is back.
Sara: now they want them to MAKE their own hotdoges
??
radikhas at least looks yummy
Kriston: Jill decided for the hot-dog challenge not to make a hot dog.
Sara: daniel’s looks ok
Spencer: Radhika’s beef hotdog — Flophouse denizens know I make those.
10:11 PM Kriston: Daniel reminds me of the best of last season. “You do your best, I’ll do my best”
Sara: oh dear. the guest udges’ face on eugene’s looks bad.
Spencer: Donatella’s face says it all for my boy Eugene’s Boursin dog
Sara: stafen: the world dog!
ezra: that looks terrible
but: beer pairing. WAY good!
half smoke!!!!!
Kriston: Hot dogs are ‘merican, Eugene.
Spencer: To all IFAers who aren’t liveblogging and are celebrating the joy of watching this show — FUCK YOU
Sara: fabio: sausage is an DO ie
10:12 PM of dear
Spencer: WITH A SPIKY, ACID — oh never mind
Sara: padma’s reaction to jamie
oh dear!
bone!
wy so much drama music all the sudden with angelina
?
ah: she’s a hotdog lady
Spencer: Kate Steadman is confused
Kriston: Jill’s was a deconstructed hot dog!
10:13 PM Sara: staffan: whatever!
radikha: woo!
embrace the indian theme
hosea
of course. when in doubt always use bacon
bacon!
radikha wins!
10:14 PM Spencer: Radhika wins. On the beef dog. Let me reiterate: I make steak hotdogs.
Sara: did I tell you about my sister’s colleague and the all angus beef hotdogs?
Kriston: Can we all agree that the best hot dog in America is to be found in Chicago at Hot Doug’s?
Sara: so, my sister has the colleague who has a cattel farm , and one of his steers ran into the electric fence and electrocuted hisself, and then needed to be butchered, so he took it to the butcher, with a list of cuts he wanted, and the butcher made it all into hotdgs!
my sister claims: best hot dog ever!
but still, very sad.
bacon dog!!!!
bacon dog!!!
10:16 PM Kriston: BWHD = Bacon-wrapped hot dog.
Sara: serious theological dispute between matt amanda: which is better: hotdg with bacon IN it, or hot dog wrapped in bacon???
commenters: what do you think
matt argues for all-beef kosher hotdog.
amanda: everything on a pig tastes amazing.
I agree.
but especially: bacon.
Kriston: Ben Miller: I don’t really understand ham.
Sara: I LURVE
10:17 PM bacon
Kriston: I don’t really understand Ben Miller.
Sara: everything tasts better with bacon
bacon bacon bacon
if I had an ice cream maker I would make ice cream with bacon.
also: olives.
but that’s irrelevant
Kriston: semi-live again!
10:18 PM Sara: I don’t care for padma’s utfit
Kriston: Seven restaurants at 30?
Spencer: BEING TOPPA CHEF EEZ NOT JUSS ABOUDDA FOOD.
Sara: also the other chick’s outfit looks like a materinity outfit. what’s up with that fashion trend?
50 HUNGRY NEW YORKERS!
THEY’RE GOING TO BE NEW YORKERS~
Spencer: Might this be the first giant-audience individual challenge
Kriston: Feeding 50 is not a huge challenge.
10:19 PM Sara: Matt doesn’t like these unflattering stereotypes of new yorkers.
In any case, new yorkers scare me~
Kriston: . . . unless they’re New Yorkers??!!
Sara: they’re super skinny
Spencer: Kate is keeping her eyes on the prize: some gay guy’s hair
Sara: i can’t iagine they like food.
HINT: you are soccer mom candy
chase.
you have a huge advantage here.
10:20 PM Spencer: Speaking of soccer-mom candy, Ezra Klein is lying in the prone position RIGHT NOW
Cue Suede’s “Animal Nitrate”
Kriston: Top Chef would be greatly improved by a rock soundtrack for these shopping montages.
Sara: don’t use crabs in cans
rethink the salad hosea.
this is the problem with people from COLORADO thinking they have a seafood restaurant.
10:21 PM Spencer: OSTRICH EGGS
Sara: ostrich eggs?
we don’t have an egg aisle in our whole foods.
nor ostrich eggs.
matt and spencer: bowery and houston whole foofs
Kriston: Did the Whole Foods on the Bowery go in before the New Museum?
Spencer: The New Yorkers in the room think this is the Bowery Whole Foods, the most humiliating of all Whole Foods
Kriston: er, before the New Museum announced that they were building there
Spencer: you want them to have different aisles for different sorts of heroin
10:22 PM Sara: foods
why are they buying wierd ziplock tupper wares.
when I think new american I think lunch–really?
Spencer: “Aisle 5, China White Heroin. Aisle 6, Black Tar Heroin. Aisle 7, Artisinal Heroin”
Sara: you’ve never opened an ostrich egg before–so you thought this was a good time to use one. WHAT?!?!?!?!
playing it ridiculous–good pt. jamie
Spencer: Mandy ought to try poaching ostrich eggs
Sara: you’re already concerned airane?
10:23 PM that’s a sign you’re not thinking right.
Spencer: Tom NEVER adds anything to the walk through
Sara: TOm: You’re cooking in MY restaurant.
Amanda squeels in delight.
Spencer: OMG Amanda just squealed with glee over the prospect of cooking in Craftsteak
Sara: all of the diners are Y chefs who tried out for the show and DID NOT MAKE IT
Kriston: Spurned audience!
Sara: bitter people~!
Spencer: Curveball! Cooking for the TC castoffs! Great idea.
Sara: when people! are coming in!
10:24 PM says CARLA
I love CARLA
Spencer: Amanda thinks the Carla looks like Sideshow Bob
Sara: even if she looks like a muppet.
WHat is up with FABIO and the princess?!?!?!
Kriston: Fabio is playing too much Dragon Quest.
Sara: there is no Princess.
Spencer: Euro-alliance of Stefan & Fabio.
Kriston: Tom = dragon; Padme = princess
Sara: it’s a little sexist, IMHO.
Spencer: Eugene is cooking for his family — no wonder I love this man
Sara: CARLA; lay off the eye makeups!
your spiritual god does not like them.
too many subtitles.
10:31 PM hosea is happy
Spencer: Craft: amazing
Sara: fabio is inspired.
colicchio is everythigng.
Spencer: COLEEEKEYO IS EVERYTHING I WAN TO BEEE IN MYA CAREER
Sara: he completes me!
this competition is very serious.
Kriston: Jamie might be my favorite right now.
10:32 PM Spencer: YOU PUREEE DE JOOOZE
Sara: faboi’s balancing guesture is aweome.
Spencer: that’s filthy
Sara: outside of i=olives is solid.
inside is liquid.
it’s ferran adrian.
he stole.
Spencer: Ficke says Fabio is ripping off Ferran Adria
Sara: even IIIIIII know that.
Kriston: Ficke explains it all.
Sara: carla is nervous about crust
10:33 PM Spencer: Carla’s using puff pastry. WHY. Always a terrible idea.
Sara: ariane asks people to take bits of lemon miraunge.
I can’t spell these food words.
why are you making a lemon mirangue if you’re not a desser person.
you are soooooo
Spencer: I can’t concentrate on TC5 with Ezra Klein’s luscious everyday ass so near me.
Sara: resigning yourslef to failure honey.
Kriston: If someone asks you to taste her food, and you taste it, you need to be honest about it.
Sara: rememebr you husnad and kids
10:34 PM what are you doing?
The diners are bitching!!!!!
don’t use any animal fat.
no wonder you aren’t here biatch
animal fat is the only reason to live in life
Kriston: These diners are having the most awful conversations you could imagine.
Sara: oh dear, that sounds idiotic.
Spencer: Fat Corey Feldman doesn’t approve of this meal
Sara: animal fat.
is.
life.
Spencer: Tom & his chef de cuisine are expediting
Sara: Tom is expiditing.
10:35 PM it took, what, 13 episodes last season to get to that.
Kriston: Haven’t seen much out of Alex so far.
Sara: in your mouth and back in the dish?!?!?
Spencer: Clearly Bravo is selling this Tom-Collichio-Is-Sexy thing
Sara: ewww.
Spencer: LIKE EZRA KLEIN
Sara: radihka is making somethign prettu
pretty
10:36 PM jamies is pretty
Kriston: No one has to sell Ezra.
Sara: f@*#&#(n\ ezra
Kriston: Chiffonade is a texture, Padme
Sara: plating canne dcrab cold.
Spencer: “I love the chiffonade of the mint. It’s very light,” says Padma. No one points out that this makes NO SENSE
Sara: ewwwwwww
ewwwwww
Kriston: “Crab tasted like it came out of the can,” says one insightful diner.
Spencer: “Aluminum Crab” notes a TC castoff. Good comic book
Sara: is LEAH going to lose her hook up honey?
10:37 PM Spencer: Fabio cooks hotel food. The judges seem to like it
Sara: the judges didn’t like either of them
f#)$*(U^ you Ezra
I love leg warmers
Matt: ARUGULAR.
ARUGULA
Kriston: The judges like the tricky olives.
Sara: definitely too liberal.
Spencer: Sara, you can curse on the IFA
Sara: white peaches are not enough.
that guy is the ultimate NY stereotype.
10:38 PM jill scares me a little
she seems slightly unhinged.
resmbles dog food!
Kriston: Sounds awesome: ostrich-egg quiche.
Sara: tastes like glue!
ewwwww
Spencer: ok, lets see this ostrich egg quiche. “Tastes like glue,” says Donatella. Gail agrees. If my girlfriend wasn’t sitting here I’d say something supremely filthy about Gail Simmons.
Sara: don’t deconstruct meatloaf!
it’s best the way it is.
Kriston: “microgreens” sseems like an exaggerated term
10:39 PM Sara: chase is falling behind!
chicken with honey mustard.
Kriston: Chase expresses solidarity for his TC brothers. A nice sentiment.
Sara: so TGIF
Spencer: Jeffrey’s dish looks good — chorizo, very smart
Sara: my sister would like it.
desserts!
me loves!
10:40 PM Kriston: Ben Miller is either sexist or ageist, IFA trying to discern which
Sara: citrus avocado mousse.
me don’t like
“you can tell she has immunity”
Kriston: Sweet guacamole sounds like it could be good
Sara: judges do not like
Spencer: Radhika’s avacodo mousse looks like it’s out of the menu at Spago’s in 1985
Sara: WHY do people who have desserts make non-chocolate desserts so often?
I know it’s not sophisticated.
but experience tells
chocolate wins.
10:41 PM Kriston: Judges are spitting out Courtney Cox’s dish
Sara: chocolate wins.
Spencer: Ariane — lemon meriengue in a cocktail glass. YAWN. Padma spits it out
Kriston: Ezra & Amanda cracking up over . . . something
Sara: always make chocolate in dessert challenges.
seriously.
Spencer: NON-LIVEBLOGGING IFA-ERS WILL NOT STFU
Sara: that’s what people want for dssert.
dessert.
Kriston: I just ate a chocolate brownie. V. good
Sara: YEAH.
what I SAID!
CHOCOLATE
10:42 PM Spencer: Radhika looks tightly wound. You have immunity girl.
Kriston: Would Tom not serve something the TC contestants served up?
Spencer: Alex looks like a friend of mine from high school
Sara: missteps!
says Tom!
Spencer: Hey dude! You were a TC candidate in THEORY ONLY.
Sara: “new american” is a buzzword.
as a new american I resent that.
Spencer: “New American” becomes “regional American” says an offended Tom
Sara: we are the radica center!!!!!!
radical
10:43 PM we have nothing to do with Radihka
Kriston: Yglesias is sticking his foot in his mouth!
Sara: ok: my boyfriend thinks the chick in the gladd ads looks like me. is that groudns for dumping him?
Kriston: Pack your knives and go, Yglesias
Sara: I DONT look like her!!!!!!
Spencer: CAPPS FTW
10:47 PM Kriston: side note: Pacing, Tommy!
Sara: tom thought everyone did a good job getting their station set up.
but he wasn’t impressed by the actual food.
OUCH.
needs to see LOTS of people.
EZRA: tom has such gravitas….
10:48 PM padma is also disappointed.
CARLA is a bright spot!
Sara: DC FTW!!!!!
fabio: best quality meat ever
Spencer: Fabio: “Honesssly I dunno. I deed some fileh minyon — bess quality ever”
10:49 PM Sara: they liked his dish!
I don’t like Gayle’s dress.
spherical olives.
have I mentioned how much I love olives.
they are central to my thanksgiving celebration.
Kriston: Women of the IFA have had a lot of critical things to say about Gayle’s dress.
Sara: they lurve jamie’s corn purree
clebrate the season!
Spencer: CELEBRATE THE SEASON, JAMIE
Kriston: Both of her dresses.
10:50 PM Sara: me a girl
Spencer: Fabio wins! He claps for himself
Sara: so sad Fabio won out over CARLA
go DC
Spencer: I’VE WONNA COMPETEEETION!
Sara: I am so distric-iotic
wierldy
Spencer: Old Europe’s return
10:51 PM Sara: i thought his “thight with steffan” meant “tight with steffan.
Kriston: Ezra: This is like the ’04 basketball Olympics.
Sara: that makes no sense.
Kriston: Dream Team!
Except I think that was ’94.
Sara: Fabio compares himself to 2004 olympics.
Spencer: Paul Bunyon is looking terrified. SHAVE THAT SHIT OFF YOUR CHIN.
Sara: no, honey. you would so get your ass kicked.
hosea going down.
Kriston: Yglesias explains that 2004 was the year the American team was badly beaten.
Sara: DON”T USE CANNED CRAB.
Spencer: “There was a taste to the crab,” says Gail. “The taste was off.”
10:52 PM Kriston: Courtney Cox is going home.
Sara: PEOPLE FROM DENVER SHOULD NOT RUN SEAFOOD RESTAURANTS>
ariane.
still in trouble.
I think she’s leaving.
although I like her better than Jill.
why do people choose to work with foods they don’t know on this show?
10:53 PM which do I hate more: gayle’s dress or jill’s head band?
discuss.
Spencer: Pressure getting to Jill. CRY CRY CRY
Sara: they’re discussing too.
Spencer: Consensus seems to be that Ariane is going home
Sara: oh dear.
10:54 PM we’re arguing about whether Ariane is “Courtney Cox” or “Amy Poehler”
Padma: Ariane=bad news
oh dear.
Spencer: I’m going to start a fan club called ARIANE NATION
Kriston: IFA splits 9/3, most agreeing that Courtney Cox is going home.
Sara: Gayle: Jill’s was the lamest defense ever!
Kate: basically, she’s stupid.
honestly, that’s stupid.
10:55 PM Tom: you paint yourself in the corner.
I predict: Jill’s going home.
Kriston: Ben: If Jill goes home, Ariane is two weeks away from becoming the Nikki of this season.
Sara: If Jill stays in this week and next, I predict she’s going to be here for a long time.
like, almost to the endSara: If Jill stays in this week and next, I predict she’s going to be here for a long time.
like, almost to the end.
choice of ostrich egg: stupid.
and bad.
why would you make somethind you didn’t know what tasted like
also: Kate and Matt point out: Ostrich egg NOT an American dish.
from Australia.
now they’re debating whether Austrailai is part of America or not.
really, this is silly.
people reading this will think I can’t spell.
honestly.
ben miller does all my spelling for me.
jill is so going down.
Kriston: What was the challenge again? New American cuisine? Generic.
Sara: she looks CONFUSED right now.
10:59 PM Spencer: OMG EZRA KLEIN IS TOUCHING MY KNEE!!!!!
Sara: jill going home.
I CALLED IT.
I WAS SOOOOOO RIGHT!!!!!
Spencer: Goodbye Jill. Well deserved elimination.
Kriston: Why isn’t Ezra touching my knee??
Sara: ‘M 2 FOR 2 RIGHT NOW, BITCHES
sorry for the all caps.
Kriston: Jill goes home. But who will go home with Ezra Klein?
Spencer: Oh wow, Ezra also keeps rubbing his everyday shoulder on my knee!
Sara: Ezra is instigating a padma backlash.
Spencer: But when will we have an Ezra backlash? NEVER.
Kriston: Jill goes with ostrich, has her head in the sand
Sara: we’re now arguing about Nikki (season 4)
Spencer: Is there any more show on? I can’t concentrate with Ezra so proximate
Sara: this would be a good time to plug Matt’s book!
Jill LURVEs matt’s book!
Jill LURVEs matt’s book!
Spencer: oh and now it’s over.
Kriston: Next week! FOO FIGHTERS
Sara: really?!?!?!?!
11:01 PM our Thanksgiving will be so much more awesome.
Spencer: NOTHING is more New York and more culinary than the Foo Fighters
Sara: Live turkeys.
now that would be awesome.
Matt is infatuated with Dave Grohl.
I can haz more wine?
11:02 PM Spencer: Amanda: Kurt Cobain is thinking, What’s reality TV?
Kriston: Kurt Cobain ftw.
Sara: fake KURT COBAIN FTW
Seriously? Again, the “don’t just assume I can only make curry just ’cause I’m sorta Indian” girl makes Indian? On the hot dog challenge?
I guess Donatella didn’t watch last week to share my irkedness.
Ostriches aren’t Australian. They are African. Emus are Australian.
BAT
DAD,
WIFE
SHARON
Ariane limps to the top ten I said it first.
Courtney Cox doesn’t suck.
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