The Internet Food Association

By Spencer Ackerman

We’ve all been there. If you were a cartoon character, you’d have a thought balloon above your head containing an angry black set of angry scribbled lines with a knife through it, all because reporting on the Obama transition is ridiculously frustrating, with people demanding to go off the record just to say something nice about someone and it makes you think that the endless headache that was journalism in the Bush era will never end. You should probably use those hands to cook something with instead of throttling someone.

But you can’t just cook anything. You want something comforting, filling and unhealthy, because you feel like hurting yourself, and this is the least-harmful way to hurt yourself you can think of. Here goes: New York strip steak pan-fried in butter and coconut mashed potatoes. It’s as simple as can be, but it’s not cheap. Luckily, you’re in no position to make good decisions today.

The good thing about this recipe is you need to buy seven ingredients, basically: steak, potatoes, butter, garlic, canned coconut milk — not cream of coconut, I can’t emphasize this enough — salt and pepper. This is a recession. Steak is expensive. I recommend letting your girlfriend pay for groceries. To serve two, buy two steaks, four medium-sized potatoes or two bakers, half a pound of butter and one 13.5 oz can of coconut milk. You’ll be using three garlic bulbs (bulbs, not heads; I forget from my catering days what exactly an individual piece of garlic is called) and a lot of salt and freshly ground pepper.

For the steak:
Spend a few moments ogling that beautiful, marbled purple piece of meat before you season the steaks with salt and pepper to taste. Mince your garlic finely and press it into both sides of the steaks to form a rough layer, but don’t worry about evenness.

Heat a frying pan on the stove until you see smoke rising. Cut a quarter pound of butter into tablespoon-sized cubes. Take the hot pan off the heat and toss the butter cubes in, swirling so they sizzle and froth but don’t burn. Turn the heat down to medium and place your steaks in the butter. For medium rare, cook about 8 minutes per side, but I recommend touching the steaks with your thumb to test doneness. When the steaks feel like your earlobe, they’re rare. When they feel like the tip of your nose, they’re medium-rare. When they feel like your chin, you’ve overdone them. Let the steaks rest for three to five minutes before serving.

For the mashed potatoes:
Drink a couple beers. It’ll put you in a better mood. Then peel the four potatoes. Put up a medium-sized pot of salted water to boil. While you’re waiting for your water to boil, cut the potatoes up, and keep chopping your potatoes into halves, because it’ll help you calm down and will allow the potatoes to cook faster. Take the remaining butter and cut it into tablespoon-sized cubes.

When the water boils, place the potatoes in and add another tablespoon’s worth of salt. Allow about 20 minutes to cook. Drink another beer and turn on side two of Black Flag’s My War album, or what would be side two — “Nothing Left Inside” to the end — if MP3s had sides.

Drain your potatoes with a colander. With the heat on the pot turned down to medium-high, add half the butter cubes, and when the butter starts to froth, the potatoes. Salt and pepper the hell out your pot’s contents. Really go to town. Take a potato masher and work out your aggression. When the pot starts to sizzle, that means it’s calling out for moisture. Throw in your coconut milk and the remaining butter cubes. Once again, season vigorously, since coconut milk will otherwise overwhelm your seasonings.

Keep mashing. What you’ll notice is that you’ve basically got potato puree because of the volume of coconut milk added. When you’ve achieved puree-like consistency, remove the pot from the heat and keep mashing/stirring. That will allow the excess moisture to cook out and you’ll achieve whatever consistency you desire. Remember to keep tasting so as to adjust seasonings.

Plate and drink another beer. Your girlfriend might be persuaded to make a salad, in which case it’ll be excellent and you’ll start to see that you’ve got a lot to be grateful for. The world isn’t such an evil place for the moment. Consider watching some TV on DVD and resist the temptation to look at your BlackBerry. If your editor calls, keep your shit together.